


Whose Coffee Is It Anyway?

by Paian



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: 1000-3000 words, Coffee, Dialogue-Only, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-10
Updated: 2007-08-10
Packaged: 2017-10-03 14:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paian/pseuds/Paian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daniel's apparently been consuming massive amounts of coffee, and people are starting to worry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whose Coffee Is It Anyway?

**Author's Note:**

> For BlueMeridian.

"Janet, I'm serious."

"I know you're serious. You're also out of line, Sam. I sympathize with your concern, but this is a doctor-patient matter -- "

"I'm not talking about something really private. I mean, it's not like I noticed some symptom of an STD in the locker room. And it's not something external and obvious -- you don't walk down that corridor on Level 18 as often as I do, so there's no way you could have noticed, and -- "

"And I've already thanked you for bringing it to my attention. Your concern is noted, Major."

" ... 'Major.'"

"When you persist past my attempts to gently humor you out of here, yes."

"Are you going to read me the riot act now for ratting out a teammate?"

"No, but I'm going to shoo you out of my office, because I am not discussing another patient's health-care management with you. Shoo."

"Will you talk to him about it? I've tried and he won't listen to me, he just pulls that really annoying oblivious-professor act -- "

"Shoo."

"Can't you at least reassure me? Tell me it's OK, tell me you're on it -- "

"Shoo."

"Heart disease, high blood pressure, calcium deficiency, ulcers ... "

"Shoo!"

"Talk to him! Don't let him get away with the batting eyelashes! Don't fall for the little enigmatic smile, that's how he -- "

"You will note that I have stood up. You will note that I have crossed my arms. You will note that I am tapping my foot. What do these things tell you, Major Carter?"

"OK, OK, I'm shooing. Talk to him!"

_"SHOO."_

&gt; &gt; &gt;

"Major."

"Colonel."

"So, what can I do for you that calls for a chance meeting and a walk in the park on this fine rainy evening?"

"You can stop letting your teammate take the rap for all the coffee you drink. I'm getting complaints."

"Complaints?"

"Concerns voiced to me regarding Doctor Jackson jeopardizing his health through excessive caffeine intake."

"Well, maybe he should cut back on the caffeine. That's between you and him, isn't it?"

"Not when the coffee station in the corridor outside his lab is between you and him."

"Ah."

"Yes. Ah."

"Kind of a ... circumstantial accusation, isn't it? The location of said coffee station?"

"Not when you add together the location of said coffee station, quartermaster's records on the twelve packets of coffee that station goes through in an average day, and -- before you hand me a line about somebody pocketing base supplies, or how many other people have access to said coffee station -- surveillance footage clearly indicating that _you_, sir, are the primary drinker of the coffee in that pot."

"You have a mole in _Security_?"

"Oh, my minions are legion, sir. But in this case, no. I got permission to check the tapes myself."

"I hate my office, I hate the phone, I like to check on my personnel in person, the coffee at that station just tastes better."

"And provides an excuse for visiting one particular teammate rather more frequently over the course of a given day than it could be argued is technically warranted by your operational responsibilities?"

"Ah."

"Yes. Ah."

"So this isn't so much about the caffeine, then."

"You should absolutely cut back on the stimulants, both of you. Coffee, sugar, chocolate, those smokes I know you still sneak every now and then -- "

"Aw, _c'mon_, Doc -- "

"And you don't even make a fresh pot. You leave that little bit at the bottom for Daniel to toss out, and then let him make the next pot. Meanwhile, what other base personnel notice is _his_ apparent preparation and consumption of six pots of double-strength coffee a day."

"I am the scum of the earth."

"Of the galaxy, sir. I don't want to know whether the visits are an excuse for the coffee or the coffee's a cover for the visits, but you take my meaning, Colonel, yes?"

"Am I showing signs of overcaffeination?"

"No, and for all I know you dump the stuff in the men's room without acting as the middleman, and that is one of at least two things that I do _not_ want to know and would rather not have my attention drawn to. Or anyone else's attention. Sir."

"So switching to decaf ... "

"Would be only half a step in the right direction."

"And drinking my _own_ coffee ... "

"Would likewise be only half a step in the right direction."

"And no sneaking smokes outside the base facility."

"Not smokes, sir, no."

"And I should scrub that plan to stop by Starbuck's on my way home."

"Where you go on your own time is none of my business, sir."

"OK. I take your meaning."

"Then I thank you for your time, sir."

"Can I walk you back to your car?"

"You just did. It's right here."

" ... You know, even decaf Daniel can be pretty hard on the heart."

"I imagine so, sir. But you've got a good strong heart. Cut back on the chemical stimulants and you'll keep it that way."

"I'll do that. Night, Major."

"Good night, Colonel."

&gt; &gt; &gt;

"Hey, Jack. What's -- "

"You got any decaf?"

"Come right in, and ... yeah, right there in the ... "

"Cool, got it. Mind if I make some?"

"You came barging into my apartment well after work hours to make decaf coffee you could have picked up from the Seven-Eleven on your way home."

"Am I interrupting something?"

"Noooo, but ... since when do you drink decaf? And since when do you make the coffee? And how much high-test have you _had_, by the way?"

"Only the eight cups I had as an excuse to swing by your lab eight times today."

"Oooh-kaaay ... So you're making me a pot of decaf to apologize for several months of sticking me with the chore at my own coffee station?"

"I am the scum of the earth."

"Of the galaxy, Jack. The galaxy. Not to mention that I've been covering for your excessive caffeine intake under intense interrogation."

"Yeah, I heard you were taking the rap for that. Just got resoundingly busted."

"So, um ... Yeah, OK, I'm lost."

"So I'm using coffee as an excuse to swing by here instead. Since I've gotta knock it off at work."

" ... Ah."

"Yeah. Ah."

"Does this mean we're gonna have to ... you know, _talk_?"

"Don't you like talking to me?"

"I like talking to you, Jack. I like talking with you. I like it when you interrupt my work eight times a day to actually talk with me about what I'm working on, or what you're working on, or what happened on some TV show the night before, or the latest baseball scores. If I didn't I'd kick you out. What I mean is ... "

"What you mean is do we need to Have A Talk."

"I'm getting a little worried about that, yeah."

"All this means is I'm looking to give the junior-high flirtation a rest and start spending some time here instead."

"OK."

"OK?"

"OK."

"Do we need to talk about that?"

"You realize you could get in more trouble doing that than what you've been doing."

"I realize that. I'll fight it if and when."

"And you realize that the fact that I'm amenable to that means I might be amenable to something more than talking."

"I'm hopeful, Daniel. Very hopeful."

"And you realize that you could get in a _lot_ more trouble for that."

"Fully cognizant here."

"OK."

"OK. So, you watched tonight's _Frasier_ yet?"

"It just finished taping."

"Cool. We watch it now, I won't have to come bug you tomorrow to talk about it."

"Works for me. I'll go cue it up."

"I'll bring the coffee in."


End file.
